Dear World,
I need to do this impromptu post because I have so much on my mind and this is the only way I'll be able to clear my thoughts so that I can go to bed. I know this post won't do what I want to convey any justice but I really just need to get this out of my system. This is going to be a stream of conscious so excuse the grammatical errors, spelling errors, etc.
So over the last few posts many of you would have already realized that I'm kind of in a man search. Being in the closet puts me in a weird situation because I can't exactly just go out and meet someone. Many of you have a lot to say about me being in the closet, but to address that right now, I don't give a fuck. I will come out on own time. Anyways, I posted an ad on Craig's List basically giving my description, my goals, and ambitious and how I was looking for someone to talk to or maybe even date if it turns into something special. 40 messages later I finally got an email from a guy who wasn't just looking to satisfy his one night frustration while his wife was out.
This guy, Gabe, goes to my school, he's in fraternity, smart, and Bi. Yes Bi. Here is the thing about bisexual guys they are more confused then gay guys. I always thought being Bi sexual would be so much fun, but to live life torn in two directions is just too much. Anyways Gabe and I get along really well. He's funny, sarcastic, and loves music just like me. And most of all he is dedicated. Discreet like me, he fears coming out because of his parents. So I figured this could work. We got a long sooo well it was weird. For people who never met we were already finishing each other's sentences.
After talking some more I find out that he is "dating" this girl. Okay, weird. But he assured me that it was something that was only a month in and they weren't mutually exclusive. I didn't think much of it because after a week I was really just happy to be able to be open with someone. I was able to share with him my experience with my ex, Nick. We both had relationship problems with guys, and he was basically screwed over by some guy which has turned him more straight then gay. In other words, he saw guys as people who he could fool around with, not get into a serious relationship. Bi sexuals are so confusing. Just so everyone knows, at this point I still hadn't met him in person yet. All of our chatting was done online.
2 weeks later I muster up the courage to meet him in person, and to me I thought it went really well. We sat in my car and just talked, it was awkward at times but I don't see why it wouldn't be. We got along so well. It was so refreshing to be able to open to someone. I had that feeling that I used to get with Nick. That feeling in your stomach. That shyness that usually isn't there reemerges. Before we parted ways we exchanged hugs. That hug with him was a reminder of what I've been missing out on. I felt the warmth of his cheeks against mine that gave me chills. I had completely forgotten what it was like to be with anyone, to feel someone's affection. He pressed his face against mine and stroked my back. That hug carried on such a more meaningful message for me.
But I guess the feeling wasn't mutual. I still don't even know, but lately he's been a little stand offish. He hasn't been texting me the way he used to. I asked him literally just now "am I going to be able to share deep dark conversations with you tonight?" Okay I know this sounds a little strong, but it's an inside joke that we have, and all he said was "i'm not nearby a computer right now." 2 weeks prior he probably would of made some joke or said something sarcastic. This just seemed so cold. I responded with "aw, okay, well I'm going to pass out now, you have work tomorrow right?" he responds "yay lucky you, you get to go to sleep. i feel like I'm not going to be online as much anymore with finals, but yea I have work tomorrow, lucky me." Basically saying, I won't be online to chat with you as much anymore. I feel like this is a sign of him getting bored or scared.
The only reason why that last text was so depressing for me to read was because we both talked about how he was naturally smart, and he always emphasized how he never had to study. So I don't get why he would tell me that now. Does being online really distract him that much? Another point I want to make, being online carries more magnitude in this situation because that's the only time we ever talk because we are both so busy.
I don't know what it is, maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe it's because I'm so excited for this. Maybe it's because he is scared to be screwed over again. He made it clear to me the first time we talked that he wasn't looking to date anyone, but 2 weeks later he says "just when I think i am fully attracted to girls, a guy comes into my life to make me think otherwise" and for a moment I thought I could be that guy. I'm just kind of lost right now, and I really needed to clear my mind. I told myself not to let myself fall for this guy because he was in the fence about everything. I knew this was going to happen, but I can't turn off my feelings. I am so picky when it comes to men, and for once I think I might of found someone. When you know, you know. So right now, I'm trying to stop any feelings I have for him because I don't need to be let down. Love sucks.
For every post I listen for inspiration from music to help guide my thoughts, and the song that is posted now is my current inspiration. I don't know why it is, but it is. thanks for reading and for being loyal. I could really use your advice now.
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